BELIEVES
( copyright 1998 by Hadanus)
A couple of weeks ago, you know, I went to see my doctor, because like I kinda felt I was suffering from I don't know what. I heard the doc say that I, like every body else, am having a mild case of metensomatosis. Not knowing what the hell he was talkin' about, he told me 'don't to worry. It is not metempsychosis, nor any kind of other psychosis.' Then he added 'believe you me.' And that, you know, sort of got me thinkin' about believes and things.
Believes are a very funny thing. No one can ever belie the origins of his or her belief. Take hell for example. I mean, suppose that you believe in hell, you know, like then you are Jewish, or Christian, or Muslim. I mean, like hell, hell seems like a real fun thing, too. I mean like check it out: for the Jew the Muslim and the Christian will go to hell, the Christian has Jew and Muslim go to hell, and the Jew and Christian will go to hell for the Muslim. Hell, it's not only funny, its megaconvenient. That's probably the biggest selling point, too: convenience--every body has some body else go to hell. I mean, it's like two for the price of one: any devout guy has got two other no less devoted guys to go to his hell. And it's sorta like an insurance policy, too, you know like in case any one of the two other ones can't make it, there is always that other other one.
Yet somehow, you know, if you think about it long enough, it is not only potentially kinda tricky, but it could kinda be like, a bit enticingly crazy, this hell business. I mean, forget about faithfully imploring any one of those reverent explorers to clarify the how or where hell is supposed to be after this here, you know, this here, the eternal present, the not nowhere in the big void, nor yesterday when the sun, moon, wind, or whatever was a god, but the now here in space and time, alive and kickin'. Hell, thinking about it, hell ain't nothin' else than some body believing that his or her neighbor is destined for eternal hell after this here life. But such belief, you know, seems like a really fishy belief. And a believer of such believes might all too easily be lead into egotistical temptation, like what he might and ought to be able to do--and not merely wish to do--to make his or her neighbor's life miserable on earth. You know what I mean? Like some really hellish self-fulfilling prophetic reasoning, sort of like 'my neighbor is going to hell no matter what, so I might as well sock it to him. Moreover, the big One is on my side anyway.' See what I mean? This tricky hell-business might just really lead to plain crazy behavior with some real hellish consequences.
Coming to think of it, I wonder whether anyone ever arithmetised this hell business. Like, go ahead, be Christian for example, and add it up. Now you're Peter Abbot, and you've got these two guys you know Avy Avram, the Jew, and Abu Ibrim, the Muslim, going to your hell. I mean you can't really do that kind of thing, you'd be raising one hell of a hell. You see, you literally got yourself a family hell here, lest you forget that both Avy and Abu claim Abraham as their patriarch. In other words, you've got yourself one hell of a family feud that goes way back in time. And now, as a Christian, you're gonna put these two guys together? Don't you tell me that they deserve it, even if they have been bashing their heads ever since before Abu became Muslim, I mean like, since like at least way back then when what 's his name crossed the Jordan, or whatever. I mean, are you Christian or what? No, no, no! Don't gimme any of that packaged family values do-goody-thing about bringing separated folk back together. That sounds like either an excuse you just came up with, or you just watch too much television.
Anyway, let 's arithmetise this hell business. We've got these three believes, I mean we've got these three guys: Abbot, a Christian, Avram, a Jew, and Ibrim, a Muslim. And each one of these three guys has his hell which actually isn't really his hell because his hell is for the other two. So, all-inclusive we've got three exclusive hells with a total occupancy of six. Besides it sounding like a pretty competitive business, not unlike the hotel and casino business, the whole thing does appear almost pretty schizoid to me. And these three guys, you know, it seems to me like this nearly zoid business, they've been sort of aware of it, too, for quite a while. I figure that's why they came up with these leagues and divisions, you know like Catholic and Protestant Christians, Sunni and Shiite Muslims, Lubavitch and Aheret Jews. Only, I figure, you know, the whole thing still seems like a rigged numbers' game with one obvious result being that with time, you know, there will be more and more hells.
At that rate, and it's really just a question of simple arithmetic, every one starts with three, than four, or five, and six hells, than twelve hells, and so forth. It starts with the one hell that the pious doesn't go to, but his two no less pietistic neighbors will have to go to, and two which he must eternally attend. That's what really gets me, you know, with these divisions and leagues, you know, not only like why, but how can there be three, or four, or five hells, et cetera, especially if there isn't even any body who can be at two places at the same time. It just doesn't make sense, somehow, these divisions, this whole hell set-up.
Not only that, besides hell there is heaven. Of course you'll always find some one who will sort of really turn this heaven business into a real earthly delight. Don't get me wrong, you know, like I, too, think that heaven is a pretty nice idea, it has such a heavenly sound to it Heaven. I'm in heaven and ... It's only like, it complicates this already complicated hell-thing: now I gotta be places and not be other places at the same time, you know, like the other two guys' hells, and simultaneously not in my own hell, nor where I am now, but in my own heaven. Nonetheless, some people claim that this is where the real fun, arguments or I don't know what, about like milk or wine plus honey-cheese-and-wheat cocktails, comes in. Listening closely to their obviously second-hand avowals, it all sounds like this heaven deal is attached to a lot of nonplussed stress, and actually pretty mundane to say the least, not to talk of the fact that some people don't like cheese.
You know, like excuse me for expressing my impressions, but I gotta be honest, all of this seems just plainly bizarre to me, like some real outta world business. I mean, I figure why figure out some other place for your neighbors, and still another place for yourself, you know, like one hell for the other guys, and one heaven for myself? Like any of these other places, where are they? Some city, country, continent or planet called Otherplace like any place except here? I figure this Otherplace is like the Unconscious. You know what I mean, like unconscious is not the absence of conscious, like Otherplace is not Noplace. See what I mean? Not only does Noplace not exist, but Otherplace is no other place than this very place, not nowhere but now here.
You know what else I am convinced of? God, like just by the sound of it, sounds like good to me, I mean that 's the spirit of the word and no thing else. And you know what else? I think that the Jew, the Christian, and the Muslim will be in for one hell of a surprise on that Judgement day because all three will finally have to answer to what the hell their hell business was supposed to mean. You know what else I figure? They'll be scared shitless, as one after another will have to plead their case.
I reason it's gonna be goin' down somewhat like this: the first one, and it doesn't matter one bit whether it will be Avram, the Jew, Abbot, the Christian, or Ibrim the Muslim, will sweatingly yet most eloquently argue for an hour, or more. God, as said like by the sound of it being good, that first one will go to heaven. This will really get the remaining other two ones trembling. And so the second one will try to control his jitters and argue even more convincingly about why and how and whatsoever. The big One remaining good, that second one will also go to heaven. Now that will really get to the third one. Before even thinking about how he was going to plead his case, he will unwittingly, you know like unconsciously, utter the question he didn't think to ask before. And so the third one, he'll say something like: "hey, say, these two guys before me, they can't both be right?" And you know what, the third one, too, will hear the sound of the big One, and he'll go to heaven, too.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot to tell you, this past week I saw my MD at the mall. He asked me how I was feelin' these days, and I told him that I was doin' much better, that there was no reason to feel like when felt I was suffering from I don't know what. I recall the doc reply somethin' like 'if this tax-free hell and money raising nonsense would be taxed a lot of voting people would be suffering a lot less not only from metempsychosis.' I don't care much about politics, and I still don't know what those physician's words mean. But between you and me, I bet it can't be any fun suffering from a psychosis. You know, like even only one little malfunctioning piece of mind could screw every thing up for you. It probably is a real constant hell on earth for those piteous ones, like not being able to acquire one's own peace of mind, and things, you know. But hell, anybody askin' me to make it my business will get a piece of my mind because... Hell? What? Me worry?